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Oct. 1st, 2009 08:18 pm finally

found the password to this old account

I'm back

no longer a junkie tho

I've been clean for a year now yay me

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Sep. 19th, 2008 10:31 am another day

same shit diff day

finally got rid of Frank I think

thank gods

he's an asshole

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Sep. 16th, 2008 07:44 am this is the reply to another post but it's the whole story in a nutshell

My ex asshole bf got me hooked on heroin...WELL LET ME CLARIFY THINGS,. I STUCK MY ARM OUT GET SHOT UP WITH dilaudid first...

then it was on to the HEROIN...God help me I so love that shit, and it only works for me if I boot it. Snorting it does not work for moi.

AT ANY RATE..SO I AM CLEAN  NOW SINCE TUES TWO WEEKS AGO I THINK...i need to look up the date so I can keep track of this shit.

I still  kinda wanna do it again someday tho..dammit for being weak...anyways had to go to the loony ward
to get clean. I went to an ER a regular one first cuz my heart started not beating right..I was dehydrated so bad they stuck an IV in me and gave me three bags of liquid nutrition and fluids and shit. Then they made me stay the nite and was dying or felt like it bigtime. They said cuz I kept saying I want to die and that I was going to off myself the first chance I got....they gave me Atavan that nite and ONE hydrocodone which did nothing for the pain..oh god it WAS bad..

then the next day they sent to south seminole behavoiral health or some shit fancy term for a loony bin LOL

OH and before I left they gave me a suboxone. only 2 mg and I was right as rain as soon as it kicked in

at the mental ward they gave me two more milligrams of it and every day one in the am and one at nite. But I only needed it for like 2 days. I went in on a thurs and was out by sunday. the last suboxone I took was SAT morning...I was fine all day and all nite and that was that. Withdrawals GONE BYE BYE BABY

I thought you had to keep taking it to not be sick - but apparently once the skag is outta your system you don't get sick I guess at least for MOI

I couldn't afford to buy it on the outside anyways I still have no fucking job anyways that's my story..

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Sep. 16th, 2008 12:28 am WELL

I'm still clean - no heroin for almost two and a half weeks and the funny thing is I don't really miss it much

it was such a pain in the ass to shoot up anyways as much as I soooooo much loved how it felt...that rush as it hits your brain and heart is so indescribable

I have small veins and finding one was always hard, I have what I think are permanent scars on my inner arms now and on my legs. Fuckingshit that sucks sooo bad. I am condemned to wearing long sleeves for ever I guess

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Sep. 13th, 2008 10:04 am

I met someone really cool

and I like them alot


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Sep. 7th, 2008 03:47 pm

I guess I need to change my username to something like exjunkiegirl or something I get the feeling I'mbeeing shunned cuz of my username

but then again I could just be paranoid.

oh well

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Sep. 7th, 2008 03:46 pm



When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.


All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.


They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.


You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.


Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...



As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,
I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade

I saw a wondrous image then of a place that's trouble-free
Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.

I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, an on the other side
Were meadows rich and beautiful - lush and green and wide
And running through the meadows as far as the eye could see
Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be
My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new
And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do
I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright
That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright glow pierced the night
"Twas the glow of many candles, shining bright and strong and bold
And I knew then that it held your love in it's brilliant shades of gold.
For although we may not be together in the way we used to be
We are still connected by a cord no one can see
So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart
If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your heart

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Sep. 6th, 2008 01:51 pm

Recovery from grief and loss

Poorly resolved grief has many causes. Its origins are often in childhood. We may have had parents who were unable to grieve normally, and were unable to be good models for healthy grieving. We may have received explicit or covert messages from our families or culture that expressions of grief were unacceptable. If adults did not talk to us after a loss, we were left with the message, “Grieve alone.” We may have suffered traumatic events that made it impossible for us to have normal emotional functioning. Not only are we then left with unresolved feelings about the losses of childhood and adolescence, but we carry poor grieving patterns with us into adulthood.

Many of us suffered the loss of a loved one in a way that was traumatic, stigmatized, or unexpected. We may have been present when these deaths occurred. Perhaps we suffered several losses in a short period of time. Important facts concerning the cause and circumstances of the loss may be unknown to us. These factors make the mourning process much more difficult.

Some of us suffered for years from depression, chemical addiction, or patterns of compulsive behavior. These illnesses made it impossible for us to grieve losses we suffered during these periods. Moreover, chronic mental illness or addiction themselves cause enormous losses - loss of years of our lives, loss of personality and self-respect.

We did not choose the conditions that made it more difficult for us to grieve. Although grievers are often negatively judged - “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you snap out of it and get on with your life?” - these judgments are invalid and abusive. As children and as adults, our culture and most of our families bombard us with the message, “Don’t grieve.”

Within a support group we create a place where it is safe to grieve. We maintain confidentiality, and we are not competitive about our losses or about our recovery. As we listen to others struggle with their grief, we see that we are not alone. We can begin to identify the factors that cause us to suffer unresolved grief.

An important step in recovery from accumulated grief is to prepare a chronological list, with approximate dates, of our loss histories. There are no rules about what to put on the list; it may include the births and deaths of important people in our lives, changes of schools and residences, divorces and separations, physical and mental illnesses suffered by ourselves or family members, traumatic events, losses of occupations or activities, loss of childhood, youth, innocence, or trust, periods of addictive or compulsive behaviors, periods of institutionalization, and changes in social or economic status. You may wish to revisit places from your past, or make efforts to obtain photographs or information. There are no rules about when to prepare this list; you can do it when you feel you are ready to do it. (The recently bereaved are not in delayed grief or unresolved grief. It is normal to suffer pain after a severe loss. There are no rules for how long “normal” grief lasts, since it varies by individual, type of loss, and relationship to the deceased. The griefwork program described here is designed for the not-recently bereaved.)

Preparing the loss history is apt to stir up strong feelings and memories. Many of us regarded the past as something awful, and preferred not to think about it. We may have large memory gaps and be confused about the chronology of events. The loss (and, below, relationship) history charts will enable us to revive some of our memories and to place them in more accurate order. Although no one else need see our loss history charts, it is important not to do this alone. We should discuss these issues with someone we trust or with the group.

The second step is to identify the emotionally incomplete losses. The losses that still hurt or are hard to talk about should be written down in a list.

The third step is to take each item on that list and prepare a chronological list of the significant events in your relationship to the person or thing lost. If you lost a family through divorce, you list the significant events in the family history from the beginning of the family to the present. Again, there are no rules about what goes into the history. For example, many of us can remember seemingly offhand remarks by relatives that vividly defined personal attitudes. If something feels significant, it probably is. There are no rules on how much time to spend working on grief. You may choose to spend a week or more on each incomplete loss, and give yourself a break in between.

After the relationship history is prepared, you may in some cases have a surge of warm feelings and memories about the person or thing that was lost. That is a good time to write out a detailed list of the positive qualities in the person or relationship.

You may then wish to write out or talk out responses to various questions. What kinds of feelings do I have about this loss? At the time of the loss, was I told by others, or did I tell myself, to not grieve, or to grieve alone? What kinds of other losses were part of this major loss? (For example, extended depression, as a loss of mental health, may bring with it loss of ambition, loss of interest in life, loss of ability to sleep normally, deterioration of relationships with family members, loss of self-confidence, loss of capacity for enjoyment of life, loss of money due to reduced earnings and cost of treatment, loss of social acceptability due to the stigma of mental illness, etc.)

The major question to ask about each incompletely grieved loss is, “How do I wish the relationship had been different?” This is tremendously painful. This is the pain we have to address if we are to make progress in resolving our grief. Simply articulating our regrets and our disappointed hopes can be a great release.

We can then ask ourselves a series of further questions. Do we want to continue with the kinds of feelings we have had, or have now? Given what happened in the relationship, are these feelings accurate or rational? Do we want to reassess our feelings about the extent to which we and the other person (or group) were responsible for things that happened in the relationship? To what extent were we and the other person powerless over what happened? To what extent do we wish to make amends for things we feel guilty about, or offer forgiveness for ways in which we were harmed? Are there messages we would like to have communicated to the person we lost? Have we, consciously or unconsciously, been trying to replace something that cannot be replaced?

Soon after beginning work on the relationship histories we will begin to enjoy the benefits of delayed grieving. These are

    • Improved memory, and a new appreciation for the value of our memories.
    • A strong feeling that these losses are real, that these losses impoverished our lives. The strong feeling of sadness means that what was lost had unique value. A sense that the life we have is precious.
    • A sense that my life is important. Because of stigma, trauma, and illness, many of us led lives that were devalued by society and our families. Griefwork helps to undo the effects of this devaluation.
    • Improved self-esteem.
    • A stronger sense of being alive, a new vitality. A new sense of being able to live in the present.
    • Feeling less weighed down, that the burdens of the past take up less “rent” in one’s mind.
    • The griefwork reduces the extent to which we have negative thoughts and feelings about the past. We have a sense that our beliefs and judgments about the past are more accurate.
    • While the periods of early recovery in programs for addiction and trauma are often unrelentingly painful, delayed griefwork has been described as a “passionate” experience. The release of blocked pain is often accompanied by the release of blocked positive feelings and memories. These are feelings that at an earlier time we were unable to have, now they can be experienced and appreciated.
    • Persons in recovery from mental illness, substance abuse, or compulsive behaviors are prone to relapse. The progress we make in bereavement recovery invariably remains with us.

All of us will experience more losses in the future. Members of bereavement support groups learn how to become better grievers. When possible we do preparatory grieving. We do what we can to learn all the facts and to encourage the distribution of the facts to other grievers. We make extra efforts to participate in memorial activities. We communicate more and learn how to be good listeners. We recognize grief related problems and take appropriate action. We lead lives that are healthier for ourselves and those around us.

By David L. Conroy, PhD. Reprinted with permission.

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Sep. 6th, 2008 08:57 am god I wish I had some heroin

myfucking cat of nine years died

nothing else to say

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Sep. 4th, 2008 07:53 pm my cat is sick

my cat my be dying people

please pray for my baby

shit shit shit

and NOT a goddamn dime for a vet bill

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